it was like eating out sand paper
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Just invented taco cereal.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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