So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
