Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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