apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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