This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
