i wish starbucks made bloody marys
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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