I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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