I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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