did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
