First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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