mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
