Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
