Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
