There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
