when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Randomize
