I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
