I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize