Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
