Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
