Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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