I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
