Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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