i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
