saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
