Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
