My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
