I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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