I never want to see another naked old woman again.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
