Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
