I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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