I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Randomize
