I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
