im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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