Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
