Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
