i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
