I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
