A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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