Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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