That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
