i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
