My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
