So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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