I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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