you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
