This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
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