Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
