Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
