I can't breathe out the right side of my face
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
