During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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