Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
