apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
