I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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