I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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