look no pants
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Randomize
