you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
