Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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