I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize